Funny best man speech examples (that won't upset Gran)

By the speechwriters.ai editorial team · Last updated 20 October 2026

Original funny best man speech lines and example passages you can adapt, plus why some jokes land and others die – written for British weddings.

Everyone wants the best man to be funny. Few people realise that the funniest best man speeches contain almost no "jokes" at all. What makes a room laugh is recognition: a true, specific story about someone they know, told with good timing. Below you'll find example lines and full passages for each part of the speech. They're original, so you won't hear them at every other wedding this summer, but the real value is in seeing how they work so you can write your own.

Why specific beats clever

Compare these two lines:

• "Tom's not great with directions."
• "Tom once used his phone's satnav to find the toilets in his own flat."

The second is funnier because it's a picture, not a statement. Every time you write a line describing a trait, ask: what's the moment that proves it? Use that instead.

Opening lines

• "Good evening, everyone. My name's Dan. I've known Tom for twenty years, and in that time he's taught me a lot – mostly what not to do."
• "I'd like to start by thanking Tom for asking me to be his best man. It's a real honour, and I've used it to get out of three weekends of DIY."
• "I was told the best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, long enough to cover the essentials. I've ignored that and gone for something more like a cagoule: practical, slightly embarrassing, and you'll be glad of it later." (Only if it suits your style and the crowd.)
• "Before I begin, I've been asked by the venue to point out the fire exits. Tom, they're behind you, should you need them in the next five minutes."

Example passages about the groom

The hobby

"Tom has always thrown himself into things. In 2019 it was sourdough. For three months, every conversation was about hydration levels. He named his starter Gerald. When Gerald died over a bank holiday weekend, Tom took the Tuesday off. I'm not saying he's over-committed, but Priya, if he names your first child after a bread, that's on you."

Why it works: it has a specific detail (Gerald), a build (three months, bank holiday), and it turns back to the couple at the end.

The competitive streak

"Tom is the most competitive person I know. Family board games at his parents' house have been banned twice. At his nephew's sixth birthday he won pass the parcel – and I'm told he still has the bubble wand."

The disaster that went right

"For his first date with Priya, Tom booked a lovely little Italian place. Unfortunately, he booked it in the wrong city. They ended up having chips on a bench in the rain – and Priya says that's when she knew. Which tells you everything about Tom's planning, and even more about Priya's patience."

Why it works: it's gently embarrassing for the groom but ends as a compliment to the couple. That's the pattern to aim for.

Lines about the couple

• "When Tom first told me about Priya, he said she was clever, funny, kind and gorgeous. I said, 'And what does she see in you?' Twelve years later, we're still not sure – but she's clearly decided he's worth it."
• "Priya has made Tom a better man. He now owns a duvet cover, two cushions he's not allowed to sit on, and an opinion on paint colours."
• "They're the kind of couple who finish each other's sentences. Mostly Priya finishing Tom's, because he's taking too long."

Turning to the sincere bit

The best funny speeches change gear before the toast. A simple pivot line does it:

• "But in all seriousness…"
• "I've spent five minutes teasing him, so let me say something true."
• "Behind all the burnt toast and wrong turnings, Tom is the most loyal friend anyone could ask for."

Jokes that tend to die

• Ball-and-chain gags. "Game over, mate" and the like feel dated and slightly mean to the bride.
• "You had to be there." If it needs context, it won't land with 100 guests.
• Anything about exes, the stag do's darker moments, or the honeymoon night.
• Internet one-liners. Someone in the room will have heard them.
• Jokes at the bride's expense – teasing the groom is tradition; teasing the bride isn't.

Timing tips for laughs

• Pause after the punchline. If you rush on, you'll talk over your own laugh.
• Put the funny word last. "He'd had the handbrake on since Bristol" beats "Since Bristol, he'd had the handbrake on".
• Don't announce the joke. "This is hilarious…" kills it.
• If a line falls flat, keep going. A small smile and move on – the room will forgive you instantly.

Once your draft is ready, put it through the room-safety check to spot anything that could backfire, and the speech timer to make sure all the laughs fit into about six minutes. If you're short of a structure, the outline tool will build one from your stories.

Frequently asked questions

Is it OK to use jokes from the internet in a best man speech?

Use them as inspiration only. Borrowed one-liners rarely land because guests have often heard them; a real story about the groom is always funnier.

How rude can a best man speech be?

Not very. Aim for jokes the groom's grandmother and a ten-year-old could hear. Cheeky is fine; crude or humiliating isn't.

What if nobody laughs?

Smile, pause and carry on. Rooms are on your side at weddings, and the sincere part of the speech matters more than any single joke.

Should I roast the bride too?

Generally no. Light teasing of the groom is traditional; with the bride, stick to warm compliments and gentle humour about the couple together.

Related guides

• Best man speech structure: a UK template that works
• Best man speech dos and don'ts
• How to calm nerves before a speech